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By Alan Young

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Tag: Cobra Commander

An Offer You Can’t Refuse

Location: Cobra HQ Panel 1: Cobra Commander: “This message goes out to all the leaders of the world. Presidents, prime ministers, kings, and dictators of every nation on Earth. Except Canada. You know what you did.” 2: Cobra Commander points to a logo with two golden olive branches surrounding the Cobra logo. “You are all cordially invited to join Cobra’s Board of Peace. This new organization is a replacement for the outdated, ineffectual United Nations.” 3: Cobra Commander: “For the low fee of one billion U.S. dollars per month, you will have a non-binding vote on all global matters dealing with war and reconstruction. More importantly, you will receive protection by Cobra for your nation and national interests. Cobra’s vast global military will be at your beck and call.” 4: Cobra Commander: “Certainly you can see the myriad reasons to join the Board of Peace. And should you decline to join this prestigious organization…Well, let’s just say…Screw it. Half of you people are too dense to understand subtlety. Give me money or I might blow you up.”
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Published January 30, 2026
Categorized as Comics Tagged Cobra Commander, G.I. Joe

New Font, Who Dis?

Location: Cobra Missile Command Panel 1: Cobra Commander: “Destro, I need to talk to you about—” Destro: “It will have to wait, Commander. I’m very busy right now.” CoCo: “And just what is more important than Cobra?” Destro: “I’ve been working on a personal project. Haven’t you paid attention to the news lately?” CoCo: “Not really. I’ve been busy scheming to take over the world by force. Why?” Destro: “I bought the United States government.” 2: CoCo: “You…What do you mean, you bought the United States government?” Destro: “I took advantage of a unique confluence of events. A heavily brainwashed public, lax campaign finance laws, and an empty-headed presidential candidate who believes everything he sees on TV. For a mere 290 million dollars worth of campaign donations and some strategic schmoozing, I have effectively purchased the government.” CoCo: “A mere 290 million?” Destro: “I make that much in passive income every three minutes or so.” CoCo: “Huh. So what are you doing with your new toy?” 3: Destro: “Pointing at random expenses, declaring that they’re fraudulent, and using that as a pretense to shut down various agencies. My goals are to end government regulation so I can make even more money and to collect sensitive data for future use.” CoCo: “Is any of this legal?” Destro: “Commander, the law only matters if somebody bothers to enforce it. My allies are making sure that doesn’t happen.” CoCo: “And you can just single-handedly shut down government agencies.” Destro: “I do have some help.” 4: Destro, gesturing to two Iron Grenadiers: “These young men are my interns. You can call them Big Balls…” IG1: “Yo.” Destro: “…and NDNH8R1488.” IG2: “Heil.” CoCo: “How…How is any of this a thing? Is Congress okay with surrendering their authority?” Destro: “Apparently.” 5: CoCo: “Have I wasted my life?” Destro, walking away with the IGs: “You’ve simply made the mistake of not being born into a wealthy family. It’s a common error. Come along, boys.” IG1: “Where are we going today, Poppa-D?” Destro: “We’re going to the treasury to cut off Social Security checks.” IG2: “Aww. I wanna crash planes and say the N-word.” Destro: “That’s on the schedule for next Thursday.”
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Published February 11, 2025
Categorized as Comics Tagged Big Balls, Cobra Commander, Destro, G.I. Joe, Iron Grenadier, NDNH8R1488

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