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Toy Box Comix

By Alan Young

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Tag: Destro

New Font, Who Dis?

Location: Cobra Missile Command Panel 1: Cobra Commander: “Destro, I need to talk to you about—” Destro: “It will have to wait, Commander. I’m very busy right now.” CoCo: “And just what is more important than Cobra?” Destro: “I’ve been working on a personal project. Haven’t you paid attention to the news lately?” CoCo: “Not really. I’ve been busy scheming to take over the world by force. Why?” Destro: “I bought the United States government.” 2: CoCo: “You…What do you mean, you bought the United States government?” Destro: “I took advantage of a unique confluence of events. A heavily brainwashed public, lax campaign finance laws, and an empty-headed presidential candidate who believes everything he sees on TV. For a mere 290 million dollars worth of campaign donations and some strategic schmoozing, I have effectively purchased the government.” CoCo: “A mere 290 million?” Destro: “I make that much in passive income every three minutes or so.” CoCo: “Huh. So what are you doing with your new toy?” 3: Destro: “Pointing at random expenses, declaring that they’re fraudulent, and using that as a pretense to shut down various agencies. My goals are to end government regulation so I can make even more money and to collect sensitive data for future use.” CoCo: “Is any of this legal?” Destro: “Commander, the law only matters if somebody bothers to enforce it. My allies are making sure that doesn’t happen.” CoCo: “And you can just single-handedly shut down government agencies.” Destro: “I do have some help.” 4: Destro, gesturing to two Iron Grenadiers: “These young men are my interns. You can call them Big Balls…” IG1: “Yo.” Destro: “…and NDNH8R1488.” IG2: “Heil.” CoCo: “How…How is any of this a thing? Is Congress okay with surrendering their authority?” Destro: “Apparently.” 5: CoCo: “Have I wasted my life?” Destro, walking away with the IGs: “You’ve simply made the mistake of not being born into a wealthy family. It’s a common error. Come along, boys.” IG1: “Where are we going today, Poppa-D?” Destro: “We’re going to the treasury to cut off Social Security checks.” IG2: “Aww. I wanna crash planes and say the N-word.” Destro: “That’s on the schedule for next Thursday.”
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Published February 11, 2025
Categorized as Comics Tagged Big Balls, Cobra Commander, Destro, G.I. Joe, Iron Grenadier, NDNH8R1488

The Big Game

Location: Cobra Missile Command Headquarters Panel 1: Cobra Commander: “It’s almost time, Destro.” Destro: “Time for what, Commander?” 2: Cobra Commander: “Taylor Swift is going to pledge allegiance to Cobra during the Super Bowl!” 3: Destro: “Really?” Cobra Commander: “Probably not. But it’s just as likely as whatever the hell Fox News has dreamed up.”
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Published February 9, 2024
Categorized as Comics Tagged Cobra Commander, Destro, G.I. Joe

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