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Toy Box Comix

By Alan Young

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Month: May 2024

Straight Outta Hell

Panel 1: Location: Jurassic Park jungle. Raptors wander around in the background. John Hammond: “Thank you for coming, Alan and Ellie. I have a fascinating discovery to share with you. One of our amber samples has primitive human DNA preserved in a mosquito alongside dinosaur DNA!” Alan Grant: “The hell you say!” Ellie Sattler: “Why, this could change everything we think we know about the history of life on Earth!” Hammond: “Naturally, we cloned both the dinosaur and the human.” Grant: “The hell you say!” Hammond: “Allow me to introduce…” 2: Hammond: “Mr. Fred Flintstone and his pet snorkasaurus, Dino.” Fred, waving: “Hiya! I’ve been dead a long time. It’s strange bein’ alive again.” Sattler: “Are you saying you remember your past life?” Grant: “The hell you say!” Fred: “That’s right. Mr. Hammond cloned me a new body which caused my soul to be ripped right out of hell itself.” 3: Hammond: “That’s how human souls work, apparently.” Grant: “Hell, you say?” Hammond: “It seems that everyone who died more than 2000 years ago went to Hell for some reason. It’s been a very educational week here at Jurassic Park.” Sattler: “So what’s Hell like?” Fred: “It’s not so bad.” 4: Fred: “There aren’t any dinosaurs tryin’ to eat you, for one thing. All the Nazis are there, but they don’t have YouTube or Twitter to spread their message. The worst part of Hell is, there’s always some repentant soul tryin’ to teach you a lesson about life. All that preachin’ gets real old.” 5: Location: World Between Worlds. Anakin Skywalker (old ghost): Has anyone seen Fred Flintstone lately? I want to introduce him to someone.” Ahsoka looks bored and sighs. Off-screen: “Nein!” Anakin: “I’m not talking to you, Adolf. Like, ever, as a general rule.”
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Published May 17, 2024
Categorized as Comics Tagged Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker, Dino, Dr. Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, Fred Flintstone, John Hammond, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, The Flintstones

The Holiest Texts

Panel 1: Maximal Skywarp hugs an American flag. Dramatic text: “The Holy American Bible Part 3” 2: Skywarp, holding a book with American flags and a cross on the cover: “The second amendment of the holy United States Constitution was inspired by God and committed to paper by our infallible founding fathers. It states…” Scribbled-out text: “’A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state,” non-scribbled-out text: “the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.’” 3: Skywarp, reading from the book: “’P.S. this applies to all firearms invented for the rest of time, no matter how powerful or deadly. We, the founding fathers, regret that we will all be dead by the time assault rifles are invented because they sound rad as hell. Future people should own lots of them.’ And then there’s a Punisher logo drawn underneath.”
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Published May 10, 2024
Categorized as Comics Tagged Skywarp, Transformers

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