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By Alan Young

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Tag: Jurassic Park

New Dorothy, Who Dis?

Location: Cantina Panel 1: Quintesson: “Your face is disgusting and your clothing is inappropriate for this location.” Cobra Commander, reptile form with a torn outfit: “Geez, I just had a little wardrobe malfunction.” 2: Quintesson, speaking to Buzz Lightyear (Chris Evans): “You are an undesirable retcon. The true Buzz Lightyear is an original action figure character, not based on a film.” 3: Two Quints speaking to Jabba the Hutt, who is holding his vape/bong thing. Quint 1: “Your obesity is both unhealthy and unattractive.” Quint 2: “Vaping does not make you look cool.” 4: Quint, speaking to a Jurassic Park velociraptor holding a beer: “You are too large and you should have feathers.” 5: Quint, speaking to Skeletor: “Please cover your face. Your exposed skull is disturbing. And don’t even get me started on your whole Jared Leto situation.” 6: Quints speaking to Bert and Ernie. Quint 1: “You two are queerbaiting.” Quint 2: “Please just make out already.” Ernie: “Make out? What’s out?” Bert: “You know. The opposite of in.” 7: Blanche Devereaux: “Are you going to introduce me to your egg-shaped friends, Dorothy? Some of their faces are unconventionally handsome.” Dorothy Zbornak: “You don’t want to get involved with the Quintessons, Blanche. They’re judgmental about everything.” Quint 1: “You are too old for us.” Quint 2: “And you have upon you the stench of too many previous lovers.” Quint 1: “Some of them human.”
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Published April 16, 2026
Categorized as Comics Tagged Bert, Blanche Devereaux, Buzz Lightyear, Cobra Commander, Dorothy Zbornak, Ernie, G.I. Joe, Golden Girls, Jabba the Hutt, Jurassic Park, Masters of the Universe, Quintesson, Sesame Street, Skeletor, Star Wars, Toy Story, Transformers

Straight Outta Hell

Panel 1: Location: Jurassic Park jungle. Raptors wander around in the background. John Hammond: “Thank you for coming, Alan and Ellie. I have a fascinating discovery to share with you. One of our amber samples has primitive human DNA preserved in a mosquito alongside dinosaur DNA!” Alan Grant: “The hell you say!” Ellie Sattler: “Why, this could change everything we think we know about the history of life on Earth!” Hammond: “Naturally, we cloned both the dinosaur and the human.” Grant: “The hell you say!” Hammond: “Allow me to introduce…” 2: Hammond: “Mr. Fred Flintstone and his pet snorkasaurus, Dino.” Fred, waving: “Hiya! I’ve been dead a long time. It’s strange bein’ alive again.” Sattler: “Are you saying you remember your past life?” Grant: “The hell you say!” Fred: “That’s right. Mr. Hammond cloned me a new body which caused my soul to be ripped right out of hell itself.” 3: Hammond: “That’s how human souls work, apparently.” Grant: “Hell, you say?” Hammond: “It seems that everyone who died more than 2000 years ago went to Hell for some reason. It’s been a very educational week here at Jurassic Park.” Sattler: “So what’s Hell like?” Fred: “It’s not so bad.” 4: Fred: “There aren’t any dinosaurs tryin’ to eat you, for one thing. All the Nazis are there, but they don’t have YouTube or Twitter to spread their message. The worst part of Hell is, there’s always some repentant soul tryin’ to teach you a lesson about life. All that preachin’ gets real old.” 5: Location: World Between Worlds. Anakin Skywalker (old ghost): Has anyone seen Fred Flintstone lately? I want to introduce him to someone.” Ahsoka looks bored and sighs. Off-screen: “Nein!” Anakin: “I’m not talking to you, Adolf. Like, ever, as a general rule.”
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Published May 17, 2024
Categorized as Comics Tagged Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker, Dino, Dr. Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, Fred Flintstone, John Hammond, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, The Flintstones

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