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Toy Box Comix

By Alan Young

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Tag: G.I. Joe

New Dorothy, Who Dis?

Location: Cantina Panel 1: Quintesson: “Your face is disgusting and your clothing is inappropriate for this location.” Cobra Commander, reptile form with a torn outfit: “Geez, I just had a little wardrobe malfunction.” 2: Quintesson, speaking to Buzz Lightyear (Chris Evans): “You are an undesirable retcon. The true Buzz Lightyear is an original action figure character, not based on a film.” 3: Two Quints speaking to Jabba the Hutt, who is holding his vape/bong thing. Quint 1: “Your obesity is both unhealthy and unattractive.” Quint 2: “Vaping does not make you look cool.” 4: Quint, speaking to a Jurassic Park velociraptor holding a beer: “You are too large and you should have feathers.” 5: Quint, speaking to Skeletor: “Please cover your face. Your exposed skull is disturbing. And don’t even get me started on your whole Jared Leto situation.” 6: Quints speaking to Bert and Ernie. Quint 1: “You two are queerbaiting.” Quint 2: “Please just make out already.” Ernie: “Make out? What’s out?” Bert: “You know. The opposite of in.” 7: Blanche Devereaux: “Are you going to introduce me to your egg-shaped friends, Dorothy? Some of their faces are unconventionally handsome.” Dorothy Zbornak: “You don’t want to get involved with the Quintessons, Blanche. They’re judgmental about everything.” Quint 1: “You are too old for us.” Quint 2: “And you have upon you the stench of too many previous lovers.” Quint 1: “Some of them human.”
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Published April 16, 2026
Categorized as Comics Tagged Bert, Blanche Devereaux, Buzz Lightyear, Cobra Commander, Dorothy Zbornak, Ernie, G.I. Joe, Golden Girls, Jabba the Hutt, Jurassic Park, Masters of the Universe, Quintesson, Sesame Street, Skeletor, Star Wars, Toy Story, Transformers

An Offer You Can’t Refuse

Location: Cobra HQ Panel 1: Cobra Commander: “This message goes out to all the leaders of the world. Presidents, prime ministers, kings, and dictators of every nation on Earth. Except Canada. You know what you did.” 2: Cobra Commander points to a logo with two golden olive branches surrounding the Cobra logo. “You are all cordially invited to join Cobra’s Board of Peace. This new organization is a replacement for the outdated, ineffectual United Nations.” 3: Cobra Commander: “For the low fee of one billion U.S. dollars per month, you will have a non-binding vote on all global matters dealing with war and reconstruction. More importantly, you will receive protection by Cobra for your nation and national interests. Cobra’s vast global military will be at your beck and call.” 4: Cobra Commander: “Certainly you can see the myriad reasons to join the Board of Peace. And should you decline to join this prestigious organization…Well, let’s just say…Screw it. Half of you people are too dense to understand subtlety. Give me money or I might blow you up.”
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Published January 30, 2026
Categorized as Comics Tagged Cobra Commander, G.I. Joe

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