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By Alan Young

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Panel 1: Caption: “Long ago…” Elita-1 (Cybertronian): “I’m coming with you aboard the Ark, Optimus.” 2: Optimus Prime (Cybertronian): “No, Elita. It’s too dangerous.” 3: Elita: “What? Come on, man. I’m just as capable as any of your other warriors.” Optimus: “Someone has been telling you diabolical lies. Your gender makes was decided by Primus himself. Your delicate fee-male body makes you far more suited to homemaking and raising children than fighting a war. Battle is for males and I am unapologetic in my masculinity. Now stay here and have my dinner ready when I get home.” 4: Caption: “Now: Daily Planet reporter Lois Lane profiles Optimus Prime…” Lois: “Is that how you remember it, Optimus?” Optimus: “She’s exaggerating.” Elita: “A little. But he did make a conscious decision to leave me and the other female Autobots on Cybertron while he brought only male warriors with him on the ark.” Optimus: “That was a long time ago. I thought I was being chivalrous. I've learned a few things since I’ve been around humans for 40 years.” 5: Lois: “Like what?” Optimus: “Gender roles are largely a product of culture rather than biology. What we think of as chivalry or traditional values can often be considered sexist or condescending. Just because something is traditional doesn’t mean it’s good. We should always be willing to listen to others and reconsider traditions.” Lois: “You should never stop learning.” Optimus: “I try. In fact, I’ve been learning…” 6: Optimus: “…to play the trombone.” Optimus holds a trombone which goes HORNK! Elita, with her hands on her horns: “Stop learning! STOP LEARNING!” Lois: “I have no mouth, and I must raspberry.”
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Published June 7, 2024
Categorized as Comics Tagged DC, Elita-1, Lois Lane, Optimus Prime, Transformers

Straight Outta Hell

Panel 1: Location: Jurassic Park jungle. Raptors wander around in the background. John Hammond: “Thank you for coming, Alan and Ellie. I have a fascinating discovery to share with you. One of our amber samples has primitive human DNA preserved in a mosquito alongside dinosaur DNA!” Alan Grant: “The hell you say!” Ellie Sattler: “Why, this could change everything we think we know about the history of life on Earth!” Hammond: “Naturally, we cloned both the dinosaur and the human.” Grant: “The hell you say!” Hammond: “Allow me to introduce…” 2: Hammond: “Mr. Fred Flintstone and his pet snorkasaurus, Dino.” Fred, waving: “Hiya! I’ve been dead a long time. It’s strange bein’ alive again.” Sattler: “Are you saying you remember your past life?” Grant: “The hell you say!” Fred: “That’s right. Mr. Hammond cloned me a new body which caused my soul to be ripped right out of hell itself.” 3: Hammond: “That’s how human souls work, apparently.” Grant: “Hell, you say?” Hammond: “It seems that everyone who died more than 2000 years ago went to Hell for some reason. It’s been a very educational week here at Jurassic Park.” Sattler: “So what’s Hell like?” Fred: “It’s not so bad.” 4: Fred: “There aren’t any dinosaurs tryin’ to eat you, for one thing. All the Nazis are there, but they don’t have YouTube or Twitter to spread their message. The worst part of Hell is, there’s always some repentant soul tryin’ to teach you a lesson about life. All that preachin’ gets real old.” 5: Location: World Between Worlds. Anakin Skywalker (old ghost): Has anyone seen Fred Flintstone lately? I want to introduce him to someone.” Ahsoka looks bored and sighs. Off-screen: “Nein!” Anakin: “I’m not talking to you, Adolf. Like, ever, as a general rule.”
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Published May 17, 2024
Categorized as Comics Tagged Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker, Dino, Dr. Alan Grant, Ellie Sattler, Fred Flintstone, John Hammond, Jurassic Park, Star Wars, The Flintstones

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